Someone missing at my wedding

As I prepare to get married in a few short weeks, I am reminded of my first wedding when I married my son's dad.

A wedding should always be and, I'd like to think, most often is a happy and celebratory occasion. Mine was no different. I am always the hopeful optimist and a hopeless romantic. My wedding was simple, yet beautiful and almost perfect. You see, my dad was always protective of me when I was growing up. He joked about never letting me date until I was in my thirties like some of your dads I am sure. Because of this, he only met a couple of boyfriends as I became a young adult. When I met my son's dad, it was a whirlwind romance and my dad would not meet him in person until months later. At this stage in my father's life, he was divorced from his 4th or 5th wife, he had run his businesses into the ground, was borderline homeless and friends and family had severed their ties with him. As I look back, it may have been at this pivotal moment in my life that I truly began to see my dad as an alcoholic. The loss and damage he had created in his life, as a result, could no longer be ignored or excused away. My mom and I planned my wedding in just weeks. In that time, I gave my dad the opportunity to be part of it, to walk his daughter down the isle. Of course, he said yes....but in a matter of days, a switch flipped in his head and he seemed to enter a place of anger towards my husband-to-be. My father began reaching out to my grandpa and my uncles and threatening to show up to the wedding only to kill the groom.... yes, you read that right, he was threatening to kill the groom!! Cue dramatic Old West shootout duel music here..... My father was a cowboy from Texas so acting like he could show up and have a shootout in the street like in the old west was not a far stretch. Now, do I truly believe he really wanted to harm anyone or wanted to ruin my special day? Absolutely not... BUT... My grandpa and my uncles would have my back or should I say, they would have the groom's back on the big day. They promised they would be "packing" in case he was just crazy enough to show up. You see, that's the thing about someone who has substance abuse issues, you just don't know who they might become or what they might do under the influence. Despite the hurt and disappointment, the truth is, my father did me a favor when he chose not to come to my wedding. My handsome, older brother would appropriately be the one to walk me down the isle on my special day. Quite frankly, it should have been him all along. My brother spent more time with me and influencing me as I grew up than any other male "role model". I have always idolized and adored him so it was a no brainer that he should be the one to give me away. It made the day all the more special and memorable for me.

Despite many disappointments and heartaches suffered as a kid, in my mind, my wedding would mark the first of many important life events that he would miss because of this disease. I guess the point I am trying to make is that this disease and the trail of destruction it has created, has caused my father to miss the most important things in life. After all, isn't it family and the simple moments in life we share with the ones we love, that truly make it all worthwhile? Sometimes I wonder...does he know what he has missed? If this is the case, it breaks my heart to think of the hurt and pain he must feel when he is able to acknowledge what has become of his life. But there is the other part of me that wonders if the has alcoholism has instead revealed such a selfish and self-centered way of thinking that he is oblivious to life outside of himself. As my new fiancé and I celebrate our marriage in the coming weeks, it will be without my dad. I know I will think of him, I'm not sure a bride without a dad can walk down the isle (or the sand, in my case) without acknowledging for a moment what the day might be like if he could be part of it. #familiesofalcoholics #alcoholism