The man before the disease

Father's Day is bitter sweet for me. I don't consider myself to have a dad anymore, but I have memories of my dad that I cherish and I have men in my life that I love and respect as fathers or father figures. My step-dad has become someone I greatly love and appreciate and both of my brothers and my fiance' are both amazing fathers who deserve to be celebrated. As I contemplated sharing my story and specifically my experiences with my dad's alcoholism, one of my concerns was how he would be portrayed.

I wanted to share my story and I wanted to help others, but in no way did I want to tear down the man who was my dad for so many years. I feel, to truly grasp the danger of this disease, you need to see the man he had worked hard to become before you can see how far he fell because of alcohol. I was most certainly "daddy's little girl". From the time I was little until I became a young adult, I never doubted how much my dad loved me. He showered me with affection and told me he loved me everyday. He was thoughtful and soft hearted. It was not uncommon for my dad to buy me cards and not just let the card express his feelings, but he always took time to write a lengthy note in his own words about how he felt about me. When you visited his home, you would see pictures of me placed throughout the house. He would tote me around town when it was his time to have me and take me around to introduce me to his friends and show me off. I hated this by the way, but he was so proud for everyone to know I was his daughter. I am 46 years old now and have spent more time living in the city than I did growing up in the country, but the years spent in the country were during my formative years and they would define who I was at my core, what I loved, my spirit and my passions. You see, those were the best years of my life. How fortunate I was to ride horses, watch baby pigs being born, pick fresh corn and melons from the field, learn to shoots guns, swim in ditches, get dirty and learn the value of hard work. My dad was there beside me as I had the privilege to experience all of those things that I now hold so close to my heart. My dad was very funny and fun loving. He could always make me laugh and always had some funny saying he had learned as a kid growing up in the south (the one I heard the most was "I'm going to see a man about a dog", lol. Keep in mind, I was so excited each time he said this, believing that we might get a dog, not knowing this was code for, "I'm off to do something you don't need to know about"). Despite living in Colorado for quite some time, he still had a bit of his Texas accent which just seemed to add to his charm. After my parents divorced and we all moved to town, my dad decided to get a boat which he lovingly named the "Miss Monica". I ate it up! I loved having a boat named after me and I fully appreciated yet another gesture that showed how much he loved me. Today when I am out on the lake on our own boat, I have so many fond and fun memories with my dad. I chuckle every time I think of him trying to water ski. God bless him, he tried EVERY time we went, and every time he would struggle to get up and stay up. But he loved having fun. He'd finally give up on trying to ski, he'd hop on a tube and ride it like he was riding a bull.

Thinking of summers on the boat also conjures up great memories of going to our State Fair together. My dad would spend all night (and Lord only knows how much money) letting me play any game I wanted just so I could win a stack of cheesy eighties mirrors with my favorite rock bands names painted on them. As we made our way through popping balloons with darts to shooting water in a clown's mouth, we would eventually make our way to the best part of the night...

THE RIDES! My dad LOVED riding the rides and I loved that I had a dad who loved to ride with me. We had so much fun together.

He was truly a kid at heart. He was full of energy and loved fast cars. In addition to owning Cadillacs over the years, my dad would also acquire a beautiful silver Stingray Corvette (I don't recall the year, I just know how cool I felt riding in it). The "vette" would become one of the cars I would learn to drive in. I remember one of our "driving lessons" when my dad took me out to an open road and told me to "floor it"...I did. I was so nervous, but, I loved it!

I can honestly say, despite the many years of pain caused by this "disease", many of my life's best moments were with my dad. You see, most of us are not born addicted. Most of us are born pure, innocent, full of life and curiosity. My dad was no different, but somewhere along the way... life happened. His eyes and his heart would be exposed to the hurt and damage only adults could bring to life. From there, his own life experiences would include such heartache and disappointment, that slowly, as these things accumulated, as feelings got buried and ignored, they would slowly begin to fester somewhere in his subconscious. What likely started as innocent drinking to relax and have fun would eventually become the demon that led to his complete destruction.