A Closing of a Chapter?

My father Billy passed away just over 48 hours ago.... However, I have been mourning the loss of my dad for nearly two decades. What I mean is, the man who was my "dad", who was loving, present, thoughtful and seemingly "healthy" slowly died as alcoholism destroyed him. His passing brings a finality that I assumed would lift a weight off my shoulders. No more worries, no more dreading the phone to ring, not more waiting for the next round of trauma. Only, the weight hasn't lifted....

Over the years, I have cried enough tears for him and because of him to fill a lake. Yes, since his passing, I've cried. I sobbed, actually, at his bedside. But since then, I've felt angry and I have no idea why. I'm not angry with him, I'm not angry he's gone. In fact, as I sat next to him, I let him know I forgave him. I let him know he deserved peace and happiness and I truly believe, that is what he is experiencing now. However, especially in the first 24 hours, I bounced from sad to angry, to numb and back again. I wanted to hit something, break something, scream... I haven't, I won't, but the feelings were there.... I wasn't expecting that. Ironically, my dad drank when he was dealing with the death of a loved one. I, however, eat comfort food, I block out the world and shut down emotionally for a bit. I'm not sure his way or my way are wrong or right. My dad may be gone, but I am still broken. Yes, I know it will take time, I know I will begin to feel the weight lifted (I hope so anyway). But I wonder, will I ever truly heal? For my entire life, I have held on to the great memories we created together and that will never stop. Do I continue to share my story, my experience with my loved one's addiction? Or do I let it die with him? I have so much written that I haven't shared yet. I still feel my experience can help others. So, I guess as long as I feel my words might impact someone, I will continue to share, at least, for a while. For now, to honor my dad, I feel like this is the ideal time to share some words from him. When I was young, (ok, YOUNGER, lol) he was so thoughtful! He loved to give gifts and often, for no reason, he gave cards and he ALWAYS took the time to write something meaningful inside. I have always appreciated this and I hold these precious cards close to me always...

God bless you dad. You were and continue to be loved. Go rest, go be wild free as you were meant to be and we will see each other again. I love you.