Chilling memories

Alcoholism is wicked, it slithers in quietly like a snake. It moves in gracefully until it takes a strangle-hold.

This past week, we have witnessed historically cold weather across the country. We have seen ice storms and record lows that have lasted for days which have caused power outages, loss of basic needs like water, grocery shortages, and most heartbreaking, death.

With all of this, my mind could not help but think of the homeless and the tragic situation this places them in. A rush of memories of my dad come flooding forward. It was such a short time ago, we found my dad hunkered down in an abandoned trailer home during an unusually cold period. Freezing temps, a home without heat, electricity, or plumbing. He was blessed to have family who showed up with food, clothes, a sleeping bag and other supplies. I stood in disbelief as I witnessed my very own loved one homeless, freezing and hungry. Since then, I have tried to push these memories to the back of my mind, but I think what keeps the them coming back is the fact that almost daily, I hear stories of how alcohol has taken over someone's life. I hear the heartbreaking stories of divorce, death and destruction. Families are broken, loved ones are exhausted and at their wits end with tolerance and patience. We ALL know an alcoholic. This past year, quite possibly brought on more cases of alcoholism than ever. COVID 19 has isolated people, it has taken those who suffer from depression, anxiety, substance abuse and more and caused these issues to become all consuming. For many who did not have drinking issues before, this year of isolation, job loss and death has now pushed the innocent into a downward spiral.

Alcoholism is wicked, it slithers in quietly like a snake. It moves in gracefully until it takes a strangle-hold. It hurts our children, our parents, our spouses, our friends. For those prone to addiction, you are at greatest risk. This socially accepted drug camouflages itself in good buzzes and fun times. But you are one drink away from bad decisions, DUI, death and abuse. If you think you or someone you love has a drinking problem, please don't be afraid to speak up! You may save a life. You may save a family or a marriage.

Almost a year after finding my dad in that trailer, God would intervene, he would place my dad in a position to get medical care and, eventually be guided to shelter (however reluctant he was and still is). I don't have my dad back and I never will, but this recent cold spell made me grateful that he has shelter and people to care for him now. So many do not. If you don't know where to turn, reach out to me.

Someone missing at my wedding

As I prepare to get married in a few short weeks, I am reminded of my first wedding when I married my son's dad.

A wedding should always be and, I'd like to think, most often is a happy and celebratory occasion. Mine was no different. I am always the hopeful optimist and a hopeless romantic. My wedding was simple, yet beautiful and almost perfect. You see, my dad was always protective of me when I was growing up. He joked about never letting me date until I was in my thirties like some of your dads I am sure. Because of this, he only met a couple of boyfriends as I became a young adult. When I met my son's dad, it was a whirlwind romance and my dad would not meet him in person until months later. At this stage in my father's life, he was divorced from his 4th or 5th wife, he had run his businesses into the ground, was borderline homeless and friends and family had severed their ties with him. As I look back, it may have been at this pivotal moment in my life that I truly began to see my dad as an alcoholic. The loss and damage he had created in his life, as a result, could no longer be ignored or excused away. My mom and I planned my wedding in just weeks. In that time, I gave my dad the opportunity to be part of it, to walk his daughter down the isle. Of course, he said yes....but in a matter of days, a switch flipped in his head and he seemed to enter a place of anger towards my husband-to-be. My father began reaching out to my grandpa and my uncles and threatening to show up to the wedding only to kill the groom.... yes, you read that right, he was threatening to kill the groom!! Cue dramatic Old West shootout duel music here..... My father was a cowboy from Texas so acting like he could show up and have a shootout in the street like in the old west was not a far stretch. Now, do I truly believe he really wanted to harm anyone or wanted to ruin my special day? Absolutely not... BUT... My grandpa and my uncles would have my back or should I say, they would have the groom's back on the big day. They promised they would be "packing" in case he was just crazy enough to show up. You see, that's the thing about someone who has substance abuse issues, you just don't know who they might become or what they might do under the influence. Despite the hurt and disappointment, the truth is, my father did me a favor when he chose not to come to my wedding. My handsome, older brother would appropriately be the one to walk me down the isle on my special day. Quite frankly, it should have been him all along. My brother spent more time with me and influencing me as I grew up than any other male "role model". I have always idolized and adored him so it was a no brainer that he should be the one to give me away. It made the day all the more special and memorable for me.

Despite many disappointments and heartaches suffered as a kid, in my mind, my wedding would mark the first of many important life events that he would miss because of this disease. I guess the point I am trying to make is that this disease and the trail of destruction it has created, has caused my father to miss the most important things in life. After all, isn't it family and the simple moments in life we share with the ones we love, that truly make it all worthwhile? Sometimes I wonder...does he know what he has missed? If this is the case, it breaks my heart to think of the hurt and pain he must feel when he is able to acknowledge what has become of his life. But there is the other part of me that wonders if the has alcoholism has instead revealed such a selfish and self-centered way of thinking that he is oblivious to life outside of himself. As my new fiancé and I celebrate our marriage in the coming weeks, it will be without my dad. I know I will think of him, I'm not sure a bride without a dad can walk down the isle (or the sand, in my case) without acknowledging for a moment what the day might be like if he could be part of it. #familiesofalcoholics #alcoholism

A broken heart won't kill you

This would be yet another test. He called asking for a ride. He had been in the hospital. I knew the mess I would be getting myself in if I came to his rescue. For hours he kept calling, saying he was waiting for me. I imagined this frail old man sitting outside the hospital. My heart being wired the way it is, I finally broke down and went to pick him up. He was weak, could barely walk, was wearing heavily soiled clothes and smelled like he had slept in a barn. I took him home with me. He was in pain, extremely weak and dirty. Although my dad was the one to call me to tell me he was in the hospital, it would take me doing some research to find out what had happened. According to the EMT who drove him from another town, he was brought in the night before. It seemed that he had drank so much, he fell, was knocked unconscious and was taken to the hospital. Given the people he was surrounded by during this time period, the story left more questions than answers. Once I got him home, what came next was humbling for both of us…I helped him get undressed and then I lifted this frail old man that I barely recognized into the bath tub. I allowed him to do his best to wash himself on his own then came back to lift him out of the tub. I dressed him in clean clothes like he was a child… his skin was covered in marks, bites, I'm not sure. I prepared him food and attempted to figure out what the next move was. I called my younger brother...

I will interject at this point, if there are any silver linings through these experiences with my father, it would be that it provided an opportunity for my younger brother and I to bond stronger than we probably would have otherwise. Through these past several years of challenges with our father, my little brother has been there to help me navigate through the chaos. He struggled as much I did, but he always showed up and was a my rock when we had to make tough decisions.

Years of experience had made one thing clear, my father could NOT stay with me. Another thing was clear, he had nowhere to go. My brother stepped in to help. He came to my house and some how we managed to find the strength to confront our dad. My brother talked about his drinking, but as we knew he would, he denied having a problem. In fact, he denied that he drank at all (a typical alcoholic's response). My brother was also not willing to take him home with him. Here we were with a frail old man, no one wanted responsibility for. I only had one option and despite how much it hurt, the emotional wall I had built up around this part of my heart was strong. I had discovered this side of me that was forced to become callous and cold. I gave my brother $100 (a luxury I really didn't have at the time), we called a couple hotels and I told him to take him wherever $100 would get him a night or two. After that he was on his own. I will say, $100 for more than one night will land you in a place most of us would never consider staying. When they left, after I had picked my dad up, fed him, bathed him, washed his clothes and shelled out money for a hotel, he left my home without a goodbye or a thank you. This was yet another example of how selfish the disease makes you. It seems, this disease doesn't just change the alcoholic, it changes those around them....