The man before the disease

Father's Day is bitter sweet for me. I don't consider myself to have a dad anymore, but I have memories of my dad that I cherish and I have men in my life that I love and respect as fathers or father figures. My step-dad has become someone I greatly love and appreciate and both of my brothers and my fiance' are both amazing fathers who deserve to be celebrated. As I contemplated sharing my story and specifically my experiences with my dad's alcoholism, one of my concerns was how he would be portrayed.

I wanted to share my story and I wanted to help others, but in no way did I want to tear down the man who was my dad for so many years. I feel, to truly grasp the danger of this disease, you need to see the man he had worked hard to become before you can see how far he fell because of alcohol. I was most certainly "daddy's little girl". From the time I was little until I became a young adult, I never doubted how much my dad loved me. He showered me with affection and told me he loved me everyday. He was thoughtful and soft hearted. It was not uncommon for my dad to buy me cards and not just let the card express his feelings, but he always took time to write a lengthy note in his own words about how he felt about me. When you visited his home, you would see pictures of me placed throughout the house. He would tote me around town when it was his time to have me and take me around to introduce me to his friends and show me off. I hated this by the way, but he was so proud for everyone to know I was his daughter. I am 46 years old now and have spent more time living in the city than I did growing up in the country, but the years spent in the country were during my formative years and they would define who I was at my core, what I loved, my spirit and my passions. You see, those were the best years of my life. How fortunate I was to ride horses, watch baby pigs being born, pick fresh corn and melons from the field, learn to shoots guns, swim in ditches, get dirty and learn the value of hard work. My dad was there beside me as I had the privilege to experience all of those things that I now hold so close to my heart. My dad was very funny and fun loving. He could always make me laugh and always had some funny saying he had learned as a kid growing up in the south (the one I heard the most was "I'm going to see a man about a dog", lol. Keep in mind, I was so excited each time he said this, believing that we might get a dog, not knowing this was code for, "I'm off to do something you don't need to know about"). Despite living in Colorado for quite some time, he still had a bit of his Texas accent which just seemed to add to his charm. After my parents divorced and we all moved to town, my dad decided to get a boat which he lovingly named the "Miss Monica". I ate it up! I loved having a boat named after me and I fully appreciated yet another gesture that showed how much he loved me. Today when I am out on the lake on our own boat, I have so many fond and fun memories with my dad. I chuckle every time I think of him trying to water ski. God bless him, he tried EVERY time we went, and every time he would struggle to get up and stay up. But he loved having fun. He'd finally give up on trying to ski, he'd hop on a tube and ride it like he was riding a bull.

Thinking of summers on the boat also conjures up great memories of going to our State Fair together. My dad would spend all night (and Lord only knows how much money) letting me play any game I wanted just so I could win a stack of cheesy eighties mirrors with my favorite rock bands names painted on them. As we made our way through popping balloons with darts to shooting water in a clown's mouth, we would eventually make our way to the best part of the night...

THE RIDES! My dad LOVED riding the rides and I loved that I had a dad who loved to ride with me. We had so much fun together.

He was truly a kid at heart. He was full of energy and loved fast cars. In addition to owning Cadillacs over the years, my dad would also acquire a beautiful silver Stingray Corvette (I don't recall the year, I just know how cool I felt riding in it). The "vette" would become one of the cars I would learn to drive in. I remember one of our "driving lessons" when my dad took me out to an open road and told me to "floor it"...I did. I was so nervous, but, I loved it!

I can honestly say, despite the many years of pain caused by this "disease", many of my life's best moments were with my dad. You see, most of us are not born addicted. Most of us are born pure, innocent, full of life and curiosity. My dad was no different, but somewhere along the way... life happened. His eyes and his heart would be exposed to the hurt and damage only adults could bring to life. From there, his own life experiences would include such heartache and disappointment, that slowly, as these things accumulated, as feelings got buried and ignored, they would slowly begin to fester somewhere in his subconscious. What likely started as innocent drinking to relax and have fun would eventually become the demon that led to his complete destruction.

My First Al-Anon Meeting

What is Al-Anon?

---

“Al‑Anon is a mutual support program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking. By sharing common experiences and applying the Al-Anon principles, families and friends of alcoholics can bring positive changes to their individual situations, whether or not the alcoholic admits the existence of a drinking problem or seeks help.” ~ www.Al-anon.org

It had been recommended and I had considered going to an Al-Anon meeting for a couple of years. I had researched meeting locations and times and had probably created excuses up until this point why it hadn’t been “convenient” to go. I guess the day you have to call the police on your parent, things shift into a more desperate perspective. I needed to take a step to do SOMETHING, I had to begin healing what was broken. The years of emotional damage this had taken on me was now so apparent, I knew

I needed help greater than my own strength to deal with it. I went back on-line, found a meeting time and location that was “convenient” and put it in my calendar like any other important appointment. On November, 15, 2018 I nervously walked into a dimly lit classroom in an old church.

Coming to this meeting, I was seeking support, therapy, strength and understanding. I sat quietly as people trickled into the meeting. My mind was racing with thoughts like, “Who will be here?”; “What will I have to say or do?”; “Will I be judged”; “Will my father be judged?”; “Am I the only one dealing with this?” I would learn during that meeting that the answer to all of those questions was, “no”. There is a person who leads the meeting and helps guide the steps and conversation. When a lesson comes up, you are given the opportunity to speak and you are also given the opportunity to just listen. As I sat there, I listened to others share parts of their personal struggles. Tears seemed to rain down my face the entire meeting, every story struck a chord. What I learned, however, was that this disease seems to touch EVERYONE. I sat there as a lady described her homeless son and how she had lost him to addiction. I thought to myself, "Wait, someone else had a homeless family member? I’m not the only one?" An important part of an Al-Anon meeting is the reading of the Serenity Prayer. As a group, we read these words aloud. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.”

Amen.

---

I had heard this prayer before, but hearing these words in this context gave them new meaning and new power for me. The serenity prayer is powerful for family members of alcoholics, it sets the ground work for understanding that I am not responsible for my father’s disease, decisions, choices, behavior. My life, my choices, my happiness and my success are mine to nurture, to do all I can to make the most of the life I’ve been given, to love and to grow. In order to be the best mom I can be to my son, I need to show him what healthy looks like, to show him what it looks like when a mother chooses to make her family her priority.

Admittedly, this was my first Al-Anon meeting and to-date it has been my last, but I gained so much from that one experience. That day showed me that I am not alone in this struggle and it taught me that my actions had been necessary and appropriate. I do expect I will attend a future meeting as my healing continues. I strongly recommend anyone who is struggling with a family member who suffers from addiction, please look to this resource for support.

#alcoholic, #homeless, #al-anon, #alcoholism, #addiction#supportforfamiliesofalcoholics

The Call I Never Wanted to Make

I would say good bye to my dad as we walked out of that freezing, abandoned trailer with that frail, old man inside. It’s hard to believe a heart can continue to break once it’s already been through so much hurt and pain but, here I was again, drained of energy and filled with fear, anger, sadness and resentment.

As I had so many times before, I would pull myself together, gather up my strength and go on about my life knowing I had done my best. I had listened to my heart and did what I could to help.

Just a few days later, I received a call from the hospital (this was not the first); my father was in with a broken knee. He had fallen and someone had found him lying in the road and got him help. They did what they could in the ER and sent him on his way on crutches.

He began calling my phone to ask for a ride. This was like a record on repeat, he would call, leave a message, I would ignore the call and wait to hear the message. This was the dance I had done with him for years. I reminded myself he was resourceful, he would find a ride and a place to go as he always managed to do.

A few days had passed when I was enjoying a beautiful, fall weekend in Denver with my now husband, when I would get a call from my son. He and my brother had spotted my dad sitting on my front porch with crutches in tow. No telling how far he had come, but he found his way to my home. The boys wanted nothing to do with the situation so they kept driving and called me.

The next steps would be some of the hardest I had taken to date. I was out of town and there was a homeless man on my front porch. I called a friend with the police department and asked for his advice. Moments later, I would be on the phone with dispatch asking for law enforcement to remove this individual from the property.

When police arrived at my home, they kindly asked him to leave and he began walking down the street. My heart sank as I sat in my car a hundred miles away and pictured the whole thing in my mind. I was in such disbelief that I had been put in a position where I had to call the police on my own dad and have him escorted away from my home. I could hear the sarcastic cheers in the back of my mind, "Yay! Daughter of the year!" I was so angry at him for putting me in that position and I couldn't help but question if I had done the right thing. Was I heartless?

Here’s the part you may not understand. If you have not dealt with an addict before, you likely don’t understand the risks that come with what happens if I allowed him in.

#1 He WOULD find alcohol and drink

#2 He had health and physical issues that would require full-time attention

#3 He was on crutches and my home is full of stairs

#4 He had little to no control over his bodily functions

#5 He would likely steal money or anything of value he could sell or swap for a drink

#6 The man who once was meticulously dressed, starched jeans, nice shirts, cologne, now lacked basic hygiene

#7 Given his transient lifestyle we had no idea if he might carry disease, he had marks on his body that we could not determine the nature.

#8 I was a single mom and had my son living in the home.

All these factors meant that there was no place for him in my home.

Did I continue to question myself? Yes. Did I wonder if I did the right thing? Yes. Did my heart want to help him? Yes. Did years of dealing with an alcoholic parent reassure me that this was my only option? Yes.

It was after this, that I would finally break down and go to my first Al-Anon meeting…

#alcoholic, #homeless, #al-anon, #alcoholism, #addiction #supportforfamiliesofalcoholics